Like a twister in my mind

Here I am. Wow I haven't been here for almost a year. Let's see how this goes.

So I come back and I'm looking through some drafts of things never published, and nearly every time I start it with something along the lines of "It's been a while since I've been here" or a variant of sorts. And once again I've started this like that. But you know what, fuck it.

Recently I've had a desire to start writing more again. I know I've had this feeling before, as I've gone through swings of it, but this time I'm up-ing the dedication. Getting me some moleskin, bitches!

So here's the thing: some heavy shit has been going down lately and it's tough. Hearts have been broken and I'm caught up in the middle of it not knowing what to do. I don't know if anyone's gonna read this, but for the sake anonymity will remain. The just of it is that a friend of mine just got left by his fiance. He came to me a few weeks ago and said things weren't going well - she was having doubts and whatnot. Then she came down one day and basically said she didn't want them anymore. And hearts were broken.

What to do. The guy is dying inside, and I can tell. I'm dying for him. What bothers me the most is that stuff like this has been happening a lot more recently. Personally, I have no doubts, either about myself or her. But shit like this makes me wonder, what if? Hypothetically speaking, if something did happen, who knows what I'd do. That shit's too real for me.

Anyways, this isn't very long, and chances are no one will read it. Still feels nice to be back here. Line from a new Jack's Mannequin is sticking with me right now:

"It's funny how the words we never say/Can turn into the only thoughts we know"

That is all.

I'd do anything

sitting in this chair counting down from ten

waiting for this centuries launch to begin

she told me i'd never leave this galaxy

the blinding stars are all i can see

you know i'd do anything

you know i'd do anything

let's skip the talk and forget it all

'cause you know i'd do anything

we sit in between a certain circle of friends

i can see all eyes upon you and me

don't let your guilty conscience free

'cause there's only five seconds 'til we're free

you know i'd do anything

you know i'd do anything

let's skip the talk and forget it all

'cause you know i'd do anything

i can see there's something missing

we'll go and fix it, we'll go and fix it

i can see there's something missing

we'll go and fix it, we'll go and fix it

'cause you know i'd do anything

you know i'd do anything

let's skip the talk and forget it all

'cause you know i'd do anything

let's watch the stars roll on by

and let's be blinded by the light

'cause you know i'd do anything

Bored.

So I was bored tonight and recorded some songs.

Worn - Sherwood
Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies
Butterflies - Yours truly

Have a listen. I also found some old demos on my computer that I'll put up sometime in the near future.

Music.


Peace.

Looking for something else to fill up that empty space.

I'm in one of those moods where I want to stay up all night, reminisce about some old times, catch up with people I've lost touch with, have some meaningful conversations, and write a song. I haven't done that song writing thing in quite a while, and recently I've come to miss it. I also haven't had a meaningful conversation with someone in quite a while as well. The sad part is that most of the conversations I've had lately have been rooted around complaints. It sucks. I just want to sit downstairs on a couch and stay up all night playing guitar and hanging out with friends talking about something, anything meaningful. But I'm still not sure what meaningful actually means.

look at me and notice my social incompetence
to realize your dreams more than make sense
i still can't sleep sometimes at night
cause i hear your voice through these streets

and i still don't understand
how to put a smile on to your face
cause i'm looking for something else
to fill up this empty space

i see things through a different perspective
looking for signs around this place that i live
sometimes it's hard to forget these ways
but her look always brings me back to this place

and i still don't understand
how to put a smile on to your face
cause i'm looking for something else
to fill up this empty space

and what is wrong with this picture?
tell me something is making sense
cause i'm gonna sit and stare
waiting for you to glance my way

and i still don't understand
how to put a smile on to your face
cause i'm looking for something else
to fill up this empty space


There we go. Awfulness wrapped into a little ball. Funny though, I still kind of like it. I also like the fact that my hell week is finally finished. Had a metric shit tonne of work to do this week and it is now complete. Just a few more papers before exams, then home free.

I must say, I'm quite looking forward to it.

This one doesn't want to admit the 80's is over and done.

Let's get down to business.

I'm not happy where I am. Haven't been for a while now. A few of the guys I live with just seem to get under my skin no matter what they do. Maybe that's my fault, being who I am and all. But then again, I feel like I'm not doing anything wrong.

I learned something useful today - how to tell if people are lying by looking at their eye movements. Without going all social psychology on you, I'll give you the basic rundown. Watch their eyes when you ask them a question. If they're lying, their eyes will either flick to the right or left (due to certain psychological factors I won't get into). It's quick and most of the time, it's done subconsciously. That's the best part about it - the other doesn't even know. I always loved the element of surprise.

I decided not to become an R.A. next year (that's Residence Advisor for all y'all). I figured that I wouldn't be able to handle a bunch of immature first-years. I know I can't say much, 'cause honestly, I'm probably not much better. So sue me. I live off campus, I can do what I want, not live under the five hundred page rule book of Redeemer, and just have some freedom and real independence. I'm pretty excited for it. The only thing though is to find somewhere to live. Hooray!

I've been struggling lately with something. Question. What am I passionate about? I honestly cannot come up with an answer good enough to feel justified. Who says I have to feel justified? Well, lately, everybody. But who fuckin' cares. Sorry, I'll keep it PG. I've wondered about sports, music, school, and an uncountable number of other things, and so far I've come up with one answer. Nothing. Troublesome, don't you think?

In spite of all of this though, I found something today that put a smile on my face. Some new music to listen to, and some old favourites to fall back on. My "sketchbook" also found its way off the shelf and under the furious movements of my Derwent Graphic 2B pencil. That's right, I went artsy on all your asses (all your being all of one or two people, if I'm lucky).

Lately, I've found that I don't have a lot of interest in other peoples lives, much less my own. I find this troubling, so I'm going to try and work on that. On the other hand, what's the point of being interested in other people's lives if you don't care much for that person anyways? Brings me back to my dorm of late. No cutting corners, I'm not having a very good time.

And that's being blunt about it.






P.s. To end on a more pleasant note, a song that's put a smile on my face:

All the Pretty Girls - fun.


Cheers.

I can't help but feel lost tonight

Where do we go from here
you seem so far, but you're still so near
I thought I had you once before
but then you turned and walked out my door

And you meant something to me tonight
you meant something to me tonight
we meant something to me tonight
'cause you meant something to me tonight

Something about being in your arms
I thought I lost you
thought I lost you
I wanna be somebody else now

'Cause you meant something to me tonight
you meant something to me tonight
we meant something to me tonight
'cause you meant something to me tonight

Give me something real enough
give me somewhere to fall from
can't seem to catch my breath
lost myself trying to find you

And you meant something to me tonight
you meant something to me tonight
we meant something to me tonight
'cause you meant something to me tonight




Time for exams.

Here. We. Go.

Dear Jack

in this sea drift sun.

i remember this.

brings me back.