from the lack of sleep and bloodshot eyes

it's been a long time. yes it has. every time i try to do this, i get halfway and then erase the whole thing. don't ask me why. it's obviously for some reason i don't know. yah, it's that obvious. so i just thought i'd do this just to let all you know what's been going on in my part of life in the last little while.
well i've been busy. not that busy busy where i have so much to do, but that busy where i have stuff to do, but put it off till the last second so to make myself really busy. it's like right now, i should be working on some project or paper that will "help me later on", as my parents would put it. but i'm not going to get into that right now. i'll just give you a list of things that has happened in my life as of late ('cause we all know you love lists).
i have:
- been writing
- been not sleeping (for all who don't know, and i'm sure that's a lot of you, i've been suffering from a mild insomnia for the past two months)
- been in love
- been broken hearted
- been sick
- been tired
- been energized
- been touched
- been in my dreams
- been singing
- been playing guitar
- been watching movies
- been at sleep overs
- been staying up way too late
- been talking
- been talking to myself
- been swinging
- been partying
- been trying to quit msn
- been listening to music a lot
- been listening to new bands
- been trying to figure out a way to record myself
- been trying to play the piano
- been hating school
- been loving school
- been hating people
- been loving people
- been so far down, that's there's no possible way to get back up
- been reading past writings
- been reading other people's past writings
- been wanting to get away
- been avoiding situations
- been running away from emotions
- been not myself


here's a song:

another day and a whole new story
these past few weeks have been just a daze
i think i might have just closed my eyes
i've only got a few centuries to make a dent in the world
i’ve only got a small amount of time
i cant keep throwing every second i’ve got down the wishing well
in the hope that luck will find me
seek out this mediocre misery
just take my hand and bring me around
there is more to this life than just following the tide

don’t hold out beneath the linen this time
the emergency buttons aren’t just an escape
a serenade for the artist among us
who never had to face the consequence

i don’t want to be another sad excuse
couldn’t spend another night all alone
wishing that i could have done things differently
living for the moment seems to be so insecure
defined by character, we aren’t that much different anymore
the safest way around the assault course before us
like everyone else looking for another way out
but not so easy as to just walk around

it’s all about taking this head on
matter over mind for once
i'll make sure i’m standing strong tonight
brace myself for everything life can throw at me this time

now where were we. i could start with a lot of things, or maybe i won't start with anything at all. but what's the point of writing something long, without having a meaning?

so i'll ask you a question:
do you believe in absolute truth?

now here's a proverb for you:
A snowball stands no chance in hell
But this is Earth

how's about analogies..do you go for those?
you are my drug
and i am in withdrawl

(i know, i've used that one before)

this post has been a little different than what you're all used to. it's more the "so obvious that it hurts" kind of post. i guess it's cause i'm sick and tired of trying to explain myself. it gets annoying when nobody gets you, or gets what's going on. it's also kind of funny when people pretend they think they know what's going on. 'cause you sit there, nod your head and smile, just thinking to yourself "i don't know why they do this".

how's about a song by Sherwood. it's called What Lucy Found There:

all the leaves upon this tree
are forming words and pointing them at me
could it be a kind of sign
informing me that i've been out of line?
all the pages in this book
are giving me and interesting look
can they see beneath my eyes?
and if they could, i wonder what they'd find
and i won't feel alone tonite
'cause i can see the candle burning bright
and the shadows and the light
will keep my company tonight

it's a good song, you should listen to it...

yes, i think you should.

i find it funny how people can say things like, "oh don't worry about it. i know exactly how you are feeling." it's things like that just piss me off enough to do something. how can they know exactly how you are feeling when they aren't you. there's only two possible reasons that i can figure out how they would know exactly what i am thinking or feeling:
1. They can read minds - now i know that in reality this is impossible. The only way that they would be able to read minds would be if they had some sort of super power. The only person who i can think of that can read minds would be Professor Charles Xavier from the X-Men series. Okay, so he can read minds, but he's not a part of true reality.
2. They are God - and we all know that you're not. So stop pretending. Only God can read minds, me made us in his image, so it's only natural that he knows what we are thinking and feeling.

i finally got my JVIS test back, and i must say that i'm pleased with my results (but also somewhat surprised).

top 3 basic interest's:
1. Author-Journalism (93%)
2. Performing Arts (93%)
3. Nature-Agriculture (92%)

top 2 occupational themes:
1. Expressive (93%)
2. Practical (79%)

academic satisfaction:
486 (46%)

similarity to college students:
1. health, physical education and recreation (+0.56 similar)
2. environmental resource management (+0.44 similar)
3. performing arts (+0.40 similar)

similarity to job groups:
1. occupations in entertainment (+0.59 similar)
2. occupations in music (+0.54 similar)
3. occupations in fine art (+0.49 similar)

so there you have it. my jvis made me actually look at what i wanted to do, and i think i've changed my mind. i don't know if that's good or bad, can't really tell.

now i'm going to rant a bit.

why do we ask questions to which we already know the answer? because there has to be a reason for everything. reason controls our world. but reason does not come solely by itself. there are obvious strings attatched, because with reason comes truth. and reason and truth do not stand alone. if you have reason and truth, you must have trust. trust is the main element, it is the controller. reason and truth can only come through trust, and without trust, reason and truth cannot exist. it's unexplainable. i guess you could say that trust is an "unofficial" emotion. there are many different emotions, all of which are things you cannot deny, things you must accept. but trust is something that you must learn, it doesn't just come to you. you need to believe in trust to have trust.

i guess it's a matter of personal opinion. so here's where i leave you. i've given you my trust, now it's up to you to trust my trust, and give me that trust back.

(it all makes sense in my mind)

so i guess that pretty much wraps up this post. my life has been different lately, i guess i've changed.

please tell me if it's for better or for worse

sound,

brent

mountains and molehills, just manmade

send for the gallows, it's time to lay down the law
we'll hang this architect for all he's worth
overlooking every last bridge he built
his handywork
it might as well have been the rope around his neck
he never saw much beauty in this city
and as blank eyes woke up once more
he promised himself he would burn it all down
dance in the firelight, there is beauty in destruction
there is beauty in this naked flame

is it amongst every last fist we throw
every word etched in stone and flesh
is our human nature flawed?
cause we fight for our dreams and when we get there we just want that little bit more
desperation sets fire to these very bottles we drink from
and then tosses them our way
but you can bet they remember his name
live by whatever you have, but you will die by the blade
whether it be broken glass spilled of your own accord
or knife thrust straight into your chest
when we are six feet under we are all the same

overdressed for decay
a rock lies above me with some half hearted words
and etched above lies my name
in a few more years it'll be worthless too
nobody ever looked out for me
so when i fall down for the very last time
i'm taking my acheivements with me
such disrespect for what i've done and what i've been through
shows exactly what we have become
darwin was right, we fight for survival, but then die tired
nobody ever looked out for me
mr hangman, take it away
i gave you my life story, now lets bring it to an end

history repeats itself

[it's true, history repeats itself]

i was looking through my closet, when i found some old writings of mine. i think i wrote them the beginning of grade 10. each are just short, separate poem things. here you go...


he's the unsuspecting victim
of her unsupected rage
and his thoughts remain tangled
as she turns and walks away

i sing lullabyes
under the quiet of blue skies
and you'll know where to find me
when you hear my mumbled cries

and i'm living in this shoebox
which is my tiny escape
the shoes my expensive haven
but the box my lonely place

she asked me the definition of love
and i said that love is something that you feel
something that you feel for someone else
a emotion that you can't escape from
but an emotion that escapes from you

i'd like to say
those things i can't say
but then what would be the point
of calling them things i can't say

so lay down my loved one
listen to the words of your loved one
sleep well on this bed of nails
don't wake up till tomorrow

watermark

i count to three and grin
you smile and let me in
we sit and watch the wall you painted purple
speech will spill on space
our little cups of grace
but pauses rattle on about the way that you cut the snow-fence,
braved the blood,
the metal of those hearts that you always end up pressing your tongue to
how your body still remembers things you told it to forget
how those furious affections followed you

i've got this store-bought way of saying i'm okay,
and you learned how to cry in total silence
we're talented and bright
we're lonely and uptight
we've found some lovely ways to disappoint,
but the airport's almost empty this time of the year,
so let's go play on a baggage carousel
set our watches forward like we're just arriving here
from a past we left in a place we knew too well

i had intention of posting before i left this weekend

so i followed up on that intention


time my run and see how far
it takes for me to reach a star,
and look back with triumphant gaze
and never see you, only space.

happiness to slide away,
with just cause a smile grows faint,
friends can't part like Red Sea waves,
despondent Gods can never save.

drift in peace, and sail to space,
float round planets of my face,
watch me from your falling star
and fall away, and fall afar.

quietly dissolve in time,
escape the shadows of my mind.
leave me here, with just a trace,
so all I have is time and space.

be a star, and fall to me,
mirror my astrology.
be a ship, forever flight,
and silently pass in my night.

a question:

is it better to let a strong relationship stop ubruptly, and purposefully, so that you remember how much it means to you, but it hurts like hell?

or is it better for it to fizzle out slowly, so that it doesn't hurt...but the memories and feelings of it all fade into obscurity and you forget how much it all meant?

memories in a photograph

a lot of you have said that you are at a loss for words, or that words just aren't coming to you. but for me, words are the only describable way. so here are the words, words for you.
i want you to go back two posts. two of my posts. and look at the link that is there, and if it isn't working, here it is:
photo prayer
and i also found another type thing. here:
family
(and this post is in small writing, because i'm feeling small right now)


memories in a photograph

memories captured in a photograph
we want them to stay, last forever
not fading away in our thoughts, never
a memory for the ones who can’t recall
sepia colours on the photo frame
feelings captured so nice
but only this one moment
this moment frozen in time

photos fading never
unclear sepia shapes of the photographic set
so we will never forget

memories bound together in a photograph

the beauty should stay, last forever
enraptured picture, priceless memory
photographic retentions left to infinity
silently captured to never forget
not letting go of all you’ve held onto
the picture strongly held in your hands
trembling for the thoughts in your mind
i won’t let the painful tears roll over your face
so they can leave a cold trace

memories bound together in a photograph
keepsake off the past
all framed in this photograph

photos fading never
unclear sepia shapes of the photographic set
so we will never forget
so we will never forget

i was alone, i took a ride,
i didn't know what i would find there
another road where maybe i
could see another kind of mind there
then i suddenly see you,
did i tell you i need you
every single day of life?


you are my drug
and i am in withdrawl

B r O K e N

i'm broken, i'm torn,
i'm cracked, and i'm worn.
i'm lost, and it's cold.
i'm choking, i'm hurting,
i have lost faith in hoping
i'm trying not to care,
i'm searching for air,
i'm forgetting you were ever there.

i saw how this was breaking, but we weren't letting go.
i believed that things could be repaired,
as long as there was hope.
i didn't want to tell myself it couldn't be okay
so when reality came along, it hit me in the face.

the hole it kept on gaping,
and both of us,
we kept on changing.
for a long time i was dreaming, there really was incredible beauty in my world.
the memories were perfect,
the photographs were stories to be told.
i'll be better off alone.
you'll be better on your own
but where's the justice, at the bitter end
when your world is turned to stone

frustrated and broken

here's something i wrote on the geography trip/now/earlier today

not very good considering each time i worked on it (which was like 3 times), it was only for about 5-10 minutes. so deal with it.

and this just goes to show that anyone can write a frickin' song. i'm disappointed in all of you, with one exception. you know who you are.


driving down this dusty old road
the streetlights dimming
nothing but frustration
is driving this rusty old car

when you said love
i thought you meant it
but when your word means nothing
what do i have

thoughts of you
are crawling through my head
like broken glass,
like my broken heart

now i'm sitting here
in this rusty old car
the streetlights dimming
nothing but frustration
is writing this broken down song

walking down this dusty old road
the streetlights dimming
nothing but frustration
is driving this broken heart

when you said love
i thought you meant it
but when love means nothing
what do you have

so i'm sitting here
in my broken little world
the streetlights dimming
nothing but frustration
is writing this broken down song
is writing this broken down song
is writing this broken down song

you know what a fun thing to do is?
writing
it's a great thing
realy
really
it is
so how's about you do me a favor?
write
that
frickin'
song

cause it's getting me..well..not exactly pissed..more
like
frustrated

i just had an idea

yes..I..had an idea..for a game that is..well not really a game. i guess you could call it that if you want.

write your own song. i know some of you have done that before. but write another

then just for fun you can either email it to me, post it on your own blog or comment it. you could also not show anyone..and just keep it to yourself.

but that'd be no fun

happy songing

brent

singing for a broken heart
it just ain't easy to do
blinded by the tears i cry
tears you never knew


that's the first installment

i was..bored..

haha

9/11

we're all walking airplane crashes

in other words..

we're all walking broken hearts

i've been listening to ben lee a lot lately. real good stuff. try it sometime.

just thought i'd let you know that.

"right now im hearing nothing but silence
high beams are on - i can feel you
every piece contains a little bit of violence
and you've changed so much but its still you
no right angles in my life
no right angles in my life"

we're all walking lonely

i called you, monday
so i could meet you, tuesday
but tuesday's dark and dreary
she cries herself to sleep
i don't know what to say
i waited for you, wednesday
you said you'd meet me there
but now i miss you, thursday
why did you have to leave?
i think about you all the time
i'm sorry i cried, friday
but it's what you cannot see
it's all your fault, saturday
it should have been me
i have one thing too tell you
now you must see, sunday
that what she said was true
she loved you dear, with all her heart
i hope you loved her too
i love you


the lights are fading

so long, so long

we're all walking contradictions

hold you in my arms - ray lamontagne
when you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears
it was easy to see that you'd been crying
seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns
but who really profits from the dying
i could hold you in my arms
i could hold you forever
i could hold you in my arms
i could hold you in my arms forever

when you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
it's my worried mind that you quiet
place your hands on my face
close my eyes and say
love is a poor man's food
don't prophesize
i could hold you in my arms
i could hold you forever
and I could hold you in my arms
i could hold you forever

so now we see how it is
this fist begets the spear
weapons of war
symptoms of madness
don't let your eyes refuse to see
don't let your ears refuse to hear
or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
i could hold you in my arms
i could hold on forever
and I could hold you in my arms
i could hold forever

alright. here's how it goes. one day/night of the weekend. starting with friday. ready, set, sail!

friday night:

went to the mall. needed some things. you know. but i had some very interesting..let's call them witnessings.

i witnessed...
..a soda pop disaster
..a construction breakdown
..a broken bone
..a robbery
..a forgiveness
..a first kiss
..a last goodbye
..a argument
..a breakup
..a breakdown
..a broken heart
..a smile
..a death
..a sunset

came home and played guitar.

saturday day:

did what i do best of course. pretended to be a racecar driver! no really. i did. actually it was more like a zamboni driver. when it's broken down and given a "technical" name, it's known as a lawn manager. i call a grass cutter. so much easier. but after about 78 laps i jumped off and went swimming, "like you do."

saturday night:

this is where my pyro technics come in. short story shorter, had a fire. started that at about six, and i sat out there for six hours (do the math people). but there was something i realized as i sat out there and played my guitar in near total darkness (i was too comfortable to get more fire wood). i realized i came up with some sort of analogy.
not trying to copy you andy
you are the moon. scaring away all the shadows.

crappy. but what the heck.

sunday:

went to church. then had all family over. it was fun. like it usually is. what more can i say? swam almost all day. played a little soccer. ate. did what me and my cousins do best. don't know what that is, but oh well. gave a little taste of british comedy.

now that's where it's at.

that was my weekend. but seeing as the week doesn't end. or isn't ending. i don't know. too tired right now to think.
one last thing. i'm at volleyball camp all week. so i might not be in a mood to talk. not trying to use it as an excuse, but whatever.
"check out please"