Like a twister in my mind

Here I am. Wow I haven't been here for almost a year. Let's see how this goes.

So I come back and I'm looking through some drafts of things never published, and nearly every time I start it with something along the lines of "It's been a while since I've been here" or a variant of sorts. And once again I've started this like that. But you know what, fuck it.

Recently I've had a desire to start writing more again. I know I've had this feeling before, as I've gone through swings of it, but this time I'm up-ing the dedication. Getting me some moleskin, bitches!

So here's the thing: some heavy shit has been going down lately and it's tough. Hearts have been broken and I'm caught up in the middle of it not knowing what to do. I don't know if anyone's gonna read this, but for the sake anonymity will remain. The just of it is that a friend of mine just got left by his fiance. He came to me a few weeks ago and said things weren't going well - she was having doubts and whatnot. Then she came down one day and basically said she didn't want them anymore. And hearts were broken.

What to do. The guy is dying inside, and I can tell. I'm dying for him. What bothers me the most is that stuff like this has been happening a lot more recently. Personally, I have no doubts, either about myself or her. But shit like this makes me wonder, what if? Hypothetically speaking, if something did happen, who knows what I'd do. That shit's too real for me.

Anyways, this isn't very long, and chances are no one will read it. Still feels nice to be back here. Line from a new Jack's Mannequin is sticking with me right now:

"It's funny how the words we never say/Can turn into the only thoughts we know"

That is all.

I'd do anything

sitting in this chair counting down from ten

waiting for this centuries launch to begin

she told me i'd never leave this galaxy

the blinding stars are all i can see

you know i'd do anything

you know i'd do anything

let's skip the talk and forget it all

'cause you know i'd do anything

we sit in between a certain circle of friends

i can see all eyes upon you and me

don't let your guilty conscience free

'cause there's only five seconds 'til we're free

you know i'd do anything

you know i'd do anything

let's skip the talk and forget it all

'cause you know i'd do anything

i can see there's something missing

we'll go and fix it, we'll go and fix it

i can see there's something missing

we'll go and fix it, we'll go and fix it

'cause you know i'd do anything

you know i'd do anything

let's skip the talk and forget it all

'cause you know i'd do anything

let's watch the stars roll on by

and let's be blinded by the light

'cause you know i'd do anything

Bored.

So I was bored tonight and recorded some songs.

Worn - Sherwood
Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies
Butterflies - Yours truly

Have a listen. I also found some old demos on my computer that I'll put up sometime in the near future.

Music.


Peace.

Looking for something else to fill up that empty space.

I'm in one of those moods where I want to stay up all night, reminisce about some old times, catch up with people I've lost touch with, have some meaningful conversations, and write a song. I haven't done that song writing thing in quite a while, and recently I've come to miss it. I also haven't had a meaningful conversation with someone in quite a while as well. The sad part is that most of the conversations I've had lately have been rooted around complaints. It sucks. I just want to sit downstairs on a couch and stay up all night playing guitar and hanging out with friends talking about something, anything meaningful. But I'm still not sure what meaningful actually means.

look at me and notice my social incompetence
to realize your dreams more than make sense
i still can't sleep sometimes at night
cause i hear your voice through these streets

and i still don't understand
how to put a smile on to your face
cause i'm looking for something else
to fill up this empty space

i see things through a different perspective
looking for signs around this place that i live
sometimes it's hard to forget these ways
but her look always brings me back to this place

and i still don't understand
how to put a smile on to your face
cause i'm looking for something else
to fill up this empty space

and what is wrong with this picture?
tell me something is making sense
cause i'm gonna sit and stare
waiting for you to glance my way

and i still don't understand
how to put a smile on to your face
cause i'm looking for something else
to fill up this empty space


There we go. Awfulness wrapped into a little ball. Funny though, I still kind of like it. I also like the fact that my hell week is finally finished. Had a metric shit tonne of work to do this week and it is now complete. Just a few more papers before exams, then home free.

I must say, I'm quite looking forward to it.

This one doesn't want to admit the 80's is over and done.

Let's get down to business.

I'm not happy where I am. Haven't been for a while now. A few of the guys I live with just seem to get under my skin no matter what they do. Maybe that's my fault, being who I am and all. But then again, I feel like I'm not doing anything wrong.

I learned something useful today - how to tell if people are lying by looking at their eye movements. Without going all social psychology on you, I'll give you the basic rundown. Watch their eyes when you ask them a question. If they're lying, their eyes will either flick to the right or left (due to certain psychological factors I won't get into). It's quick and most of the time, it's done subconsciously. That's the best part about it - the other doesn't even know. I always loved the element of surprise.

I decided not to become an R.A. next year (that's Residence Advisor for all y'all). I figured that I wouldn't be able to handle a bunch of immature first-years. I know I can't say much, 'cause honestly, I'm probably not much better. So sue me. I live off campus, I can do what I want, not live under the five hundred page rule book of Redeemer, and just have some freedom and real independence. I'm pretty excited for it. The only thing though is to find somewhere to live. Hooray!

I've been struggling lately with something. Question. What am I passionate about? I honestly cannot come up with an answer good enough to feel justified. Who says I have to feel justified? Well, lately, everybody. But who fuckin' cares. Sorry, I'll keep it PG. I've wondered about sports, music, school, and an uncountable number of other things, and so far I've come up with one answer. Nothing. Troublesome, don't you think?

In spite of all of this though, I found something today that put a smile on my face. Some new music to listen to, and some old favourites to fall back on. My "sketchbook" also found its way off the shelf and under the furious movements of my Derwent Graphic 2B pencil. That's right, I went artsy on all your asses (all your being all of one or two people, if I'm lucky).

Lately, I've found that I don't have a lot of interest in other peoples lives, much less my own. I find this troubling, so I'm going to try and work on that. On the other hand, what's the point of being interested in other people's lives if you don't care much for that person anyways? Brings me back to my dorm of late. No cutting corners, I'm not having a very good time.

And that's being blunt about it.






P.s. To end on a more pleasant note, a song that's put a smile on my face:

All the Pretty Girls - fun.


Cheers.

I can't help but feel lost tonight

Where do we go from here
you seem so far, but you're still so near
I thought I had you once before
but then you turned and walked out my door

And you meant something to me tonight
you meant something to me tonight
we meant something to me tonight
'cause you meant something to me tonight

Something about being in your arms
I thought I lost you
thought I lost you
I wanna be somebody else now

'Cause you meant something to me tonight
you meant something to me tonight
we meant something to me tonight
'cause you meant something to me tonight

Give me something real enough
give me somewhere to fall from
can't seem to catch my breath
lost myself trying to find you

And you meant something to me tonight
you meant something to me tonight
we meant something to me tonight
'cause you meant something to me tonight




Time for exams.

Here. We. Go.

Dear Jack

in this sea drift sun.

i remember this.

brings me back.

Headed for a cliff.

It's one of those nights. You don't want to sleep 'cause then you know the week will begin, when in fact, it began 3 days ago. Well, let's get going.

Turn It Off - Paramore

I had a fun weekend. Sometimes I froze myself to the bone, but I still had a good time. It's always a weird feeling when you've had certain traditions your whole life, for example thanksgiving, and then you're pulled headlong into something completely different and new. It can be a great time.

I celebrated 2 years today (well technically yesterday now). It's definitely been 2 of the best years of my life, and I honestly can't wait for it to continue. I still find it crazy how fast it went by and how many things have happened. Many memories, many bruises (don't take that the wrong way), but I'm still in love. Amazing.

Something I wrote during the summer, just to fill up this "post".

I could use a vacation myself
stuck in the line for days
I'm a deer in the headlights
drowning in the light of the world

No, I won't be missing you
missing you, missing you
I want to, but I won't be
missing you, missing you, missing you

I'm running from everything you said I'd become
the gray in your hair still shows me what I could be
But my eyes are so tired
and I think I could use a vacation myself

No, I won't be missing you
missing you, missing you
I want to, but I won't be
missing you, missing you, missing you


I miss writing. I was thinking about that today. I hate how I'm so focused on school work and sports and my free time is all tied up in homework or practices. I wish I could have more free time to write short stories or songs or just write anything that's on my mind. It's frustrating at times.

So I guess that's what brought me back her tonight. Writing this shit of a post is my drug; my secret fix in the daily schemes of things. I can get my high right in the middle of the public eye, and nobody has to know but myself.

Well, myself and the little hedonistic devil that lives inside of me. I love that guy!


Cheers.



P.s. Here are some tunes.

Brand New Eyes (the entire album) - Paramore
Who Says - John Mayer
Belle of the Boulevard - Dashboard Confessional
Dakota - A Rocket to the Moon
Radio - He Is We
Give It All - He Is We
Wildfire - Mark Beasley
Loraine - Mark Beasley

Simple ignorance.

I like the simplicity of it all.

"Ignorance is your new best friend".



More to come soon.

Fly, Fly, Fly (without bridge)

Bored with ideas.

Here's something I wrote a while back sitting in bed at night:


3:18AM. That is what the clock read as I sat up in my bed. I lived in downtown New York at the time. A man with strong values, a good job, and a decent wage – without a girl. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t believe in marriage. Ever since my parents got divorced when I was 7, I made a promise to myself that I would never get married just to avoid the shit they went through. I lasted ‘til I was 21. It was the middle of June, and I was in Vegas for a friend’s wedding (cliché, I know). I was drunk and met this chick, we hit it off, and the next day we found ourselves in one of those cheap-ass wedding chapels where the man marrying you is 45+ years old and is dressed in nostalgic Elvis clothes. In short, we lasted for about a month when I found out she’d been cheating on me for about 3 weeks. Talk about women with short attention spans.

I got up from my half-sitting-half-standing position and turned on my night table light. Something remarkable struck me about this apartment – no matter how many lights you had turned on through the whole apartment, shadows still crept in the corners. I wish life had subtitles, ‘cause then when you’re talking to your immigrated Russian landlord, you could actually tell what she was saying. I walked into the kitchen and turned on the tap, waited for the water to cool, and took a sip. Something about ice cold water running down your throat in the middle of the night makes every single nerve in your body stand on edge. It’s like that feeling you get when you know you’re being watched and you don’t want to turn around because you know there’s a guy in a mask holding a knife ready to gut you. I think I’ve been watching too many horror movies. That would explain the irregular sleeping habits.

This time we're taking flight

Rachel wins.



So here's the story:

About a month ago, Tara was given her final project for art. It was to pick a musical artist and create for that person a cd cover, back cover, business card, webpage, and poster. She chose me. So after a few designs and deliberations, she came up with the design below. The rest was to be provided by me: cd title, song names, information, etc. End result: a kick-ass cd and webpage design.

So here's the deal:

I've been busy recording as well as busy with school, and have also released some of the demos of the songs that will be featured on the record. The plan is to finish recording all the songs in a decent enough quality so that I can release/sell them as a) a digital release on a website yet to be determined or b) if I'm feeling even more adventurous, attempt to sell hard copies of the cd. So we'll see how things play out. Maybe I'll get lucky. Hopefully I'll be able to release it sometimes near the end of the summer.

We'll how that goes.

With regards to the website, Tara has spoken with Tim and he said he is willing to help me get the actual website up and running sometime this summer. So again, we'll see how that works out.

So there you have it. Below are some pictures of the designs. The first one, left to right, clockwise: Poster, Website, Front and Back Album Covers, Business Card.
















Enjoy and awesome work Tara,


Brent

The tale of dreams I thought we all followed...

This time it's me on my own
finally free and I won't
give up my dreams for no one
or be a pawn of what they want me to

This time be sure they'll listen
to what I say, I'll mean it
with every single word
I'll make sure I am heard
So they won't have a doubt
of what I want to be

Amely - On My Own

***

Right there has been my motivation for the last little while. I've found that I've come to realize my own potential with the gifts that I have been given. Whatever it may be, I've been working to hone my skills to become the best I can be.

Hence why I have come back here.

***

So, as you might have noticed, I've sort of been on "hiatus" for a while. Sure, I've posted little things, but nothing of real, true, honest value - or so I've found. Anyways, here I am, ready to tell everyone what's been going on in my life as of late. Here goes:

..hold on, going to get ready for bed...

Alright, I'm back and ready to go. On your mark, get set, go!

I feel I've been in a race every since second semester started (like the connections, yeah, you know you do!). It seems that these past few months have been a subtle blur, but yet, I find I don't remember a whole lot of what has happened. I think that's probably the underlying reason why I haven't been here for "real" for a few months. I think I might have something, even though my psychology professor told me I shouldn't self-diagnose, and I know that everyone says they hate it when other people self-diagnose themselves. But let's be honest - you all do it. Maybe not consciously, but you all do it. I know, I've been there.

***

Backtrack. First semester a lot of shit happened that was neither foreseeable, and for the most part uncontrollable. Only a few people know about it, 'cause it's not something I want to make publicly known, for I felt a wrong was done to me. But if you really, truly want to know, ask me about it sometime.

Just not on here.

***

Fast forward. I've somewhat figured out my future. Or at least the controllable part of my future. As of April 6th, I am now a Psychology Major. Other possibilities include a Phys. Ed. Minor as well as an Environmental Studies Minor. There's also the possibility of one-upping my general Psych Major to an Honours Major.

Then there's also the option of immigrating to Africa to live among the villages to learn to Xhosa language.

Yes, that language is legit.

***

Back to the present. So as I said earlier, I've been working to hone my skills in certain areas of my life. And this is true. If it wasn't true, I wouldn't have said it. Which brings me to my next point...

Racism is the next prejudice!

No, but really. I'm following in T-Rex's footsteps. Or dinosteps. Or awkwardlylookingfeetthingsteps.

However you want to put it. It is the 21st century after all.

***

Anyways, back to the real stuff. I've got some summer plans laid out. Mostly work related of course. I'll be landscaping. I'm quite looking forward to being outside all summer, or at least I will be. I have a feeling come August, I'll want nothing more than an inside AC lazy-ass type job. We'll have to see about that though.

Other summer plans include swimming, beating Super Mario Bros 3 without using the warp zones, and for that matter, finding a NES system on Ebay to have in my room for next school year. Yes, that will be awesome, I know. You are all jealous. Also, camping, staying in shape, and road-trips are all possible events to fill the agenda.

I'm sure I'll figure something out. I mean, I do have 4 months now.

***

Alright. Now to get to the true point of this post. Actually, there really isn't a true point, more just I felt compelled to come back here for reasons I can't actually explain. I think.

Anyways, as some people might have noticed, or failed to notice, I have a little surprise for some people. Meaning a surprise for all people. So yes, that includes all you.

Let's just say this little surprise came into full swing about 3 weeks ago. I had original plans to undertake this surprise when I had a little more time of my own. But by the grace of God, I was made an offer to have it undertaken for me. Aren't I just lucky.

Here's a little hint: the surprise has something to do with me honing the skills I've been given over the past 7 and a half months.

Guesses are welcome, but I'm not saying anything.

***

Well. This brings me to the end. It's now bedtime for me.

Sleep will feel so good right now.

***

Yes, yes it does.

New Videos

I know I said I'd get to a real update, but for now these are going to have to do. Three videos, one original (half of it), two covers.

Hope all's well,

Brent

UPDATE..sort of

Sooner or later I'll get to a real update. But for now, check it out:

www.myspace.com/brentknibbe

New song: By My Side (Insecurities)


Talk to you all soon!

Brent

I still have no answer.

I've finally reached my breaking point.

Right now I'm coming from somewhere inbetween a rock and hard place. I'm sure you've all heard that expression in your lives before, and if you haven't, well you should feel great about that. When you're stuck between two hard places that, in the end, will come to the same result, you might have a hard time feeling motivated toward either one of those "places".

I've got chills. I'm wearing a t-shirt, sweater, sweatshirt, and a jacket. It's 21 degrees in the house. Yet, I've still got chills. Tell me, HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK!

I'm definitely at my breaking point.

What do you do when society has lost complete faith in you? What do you do when your own integrity and faith doesn't mean a thing? Why do I feel so lost and so insecure? And why the hell am I lying on the floor? Good God. Is God good? I'd like to think that He is, but at this point in my life, I'm not sure whether the situation I've been placed in could be considered good. Lord, I hope you've got a plan for me.

I'm past my breaking point.

I think it was that speed bump I hit at 110km/h while I was getting as far away from here as possible.


Halfway around the world
Lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground
Hundred miles down
The first thing that arises in your mind when you awake
Is bending you till you break let me hold you now

Baby close your eyes don't open till the morning light
Baby don't forget we haven't lost at all yet

Don't know what you're made of till the one thing that you want
Is coming with the dawn and suddenly changes
Monday's syndicate means everyone's the same
And all we've lost to the flame listen to me now

Baby close your eyes don't open till the morning light
Don't ever forget we haven't lost at all yet
All we know for sure is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget we haven't lost at all yet

Someday when this is over
We may still have no answer
For now is when I hold her
We are closer
We are closer
We are closer
We are closer

Baby close your eyes don't open till the morning light
Don't ever forget we haven't lost at all yet
And though we know for sure is all that we are fighting for
Baby don't forget we haven't lost at all yet

We are closer
We are closer
Now we are closer
We are closer

The Fray - Syndicate

http://www.youtube.com/user/therocketdog00

I always knew it.

Results of your
Attention Deficit Disorder Quiz

You scored a total of 33

You appear to experiencing some type of attention and concentration problems which are often common amongst the general population, but border on the possibility of being more severe. It is unclear as to whether you suffer these problems severely enough to need to seek further diagnosis and treatment of them. You should not take your responses to this self-report questionnaire as a diagnosis or recommendation for treatment of any sort. Consult with a trained mental health professional if you are experiencing difficulties in your daily functioning that you are worried about.

untitled from english at 8 AM

here's a little something i wrote very early in english.
let me know what you think

My eyes are so tired
when we're looking through the fire
I need your touch to survive

'Cause it's you, only you
when I rise with the sun

I'm so far away
yesterday's gone, I'm living today
and you're breath fills me up
and I drink from your cup
so why do I not feel alive?

Sometimes I walk the streets at night
when silence is all on my lips
I think I need you to survive
but I'm not sure it's right this time

'Cause it's you, only you
when I rise with the sun

I'm so far away
yesterday's gone, I'm living today
and you're breath fills me up
and I drink from your cup
so why do I not feel alive?

This time when the sun rises up
when the silence is gone
when I breath my first breath
and when I'm living alone
when time leaves its home
I dream I'll be living for you

'Cause it's you, only you
when I rise with the sun

I'm so far away
yesterday's gone, I'm living today
and you're breath fills me up
and I drink from your cup
so why do I not feel alive?
and why do I not feel alive
Jesus make me feel alive