My cheshire cat doorstop with tears in your eyes.

I drafted this months ago, but today I listened to the song again. Still in love with it.

(I fell in love with this song. So listen, love, and don't sleep forever. Oh, and that piano is the best in the world.)

Your granddad left home for the circus
He was young just like me, with hope to explore
He married a girl in Virginia
She could swing the trapeze, they could sleep on the floor

Your mother was born in December
On the one sunny day
That winter gave up
With warm summer eyes
That flickered like fireflies
And she stared at the world

So why do you leave these stories unfinished?
My cheshire cat doorstop with tears in your eyes
And why do you look when you've already found it?
And what did you find that would leave you walking by?

She was raised in a New England village
Then she moved to L.A. with a firefly stare
And you loved sunset strip when it sparkled
You grew up and you sparkled, but why don't you care?

And why do you leave these stories unfinished?
My cheshire cat doorstop with tears in your eyes?
And why do you look when you've already found me?
And what did you find that could leave you walking by?

And these nights I get high just from breathing
When I lie here with you, I'm sure that I'm real
Like that firework over the freeway
I could stay here all day but that's not how you feel

So why do you leave these questions unanswered?
The circus awaits and you're already gone
My cheshire cat doorstop with fear in your smile
What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?

And what did I do that you can't seem to want me?
And why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes?
And where can I go that your pictures won't haunt me?
What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?
Walking by
Walking by

Walking By - Something Corporate

p.s. I just love the beginning of this song

"This poor girl, whoever you're talking about, are you talking about some girl? This guys outing this poor girl as a slut. Some girl who just keeps..I think he knows a DVD's being filmed, and he's just calling this poor girl a slut. Awww, that's not very nice..haha. Alright hey..we don't wanna..I think she knows now, right..I think she knows..alright."

goodnight

Tell her this.

I need to learn how to take compliments better.



For The Nights I Can't Remember - Hedley

I think one of the biggest things I hate right now, is seeing someone fail.

Is that what it takes? 'Cause I could use some of that.

Hello.

So I guess it's time for me to mark the end. Yes, it's the end. The end of something; something great. But although it's the end of something, it's the beginning of something else; something else great. It's been four years:
-of friendship
-of memories
-of jokes
-of "next one, next one"
-of late nights
-of early mornings
-of living for the next chance

So yes, it's the end. But it's also the beginning:
-of friendship
-of memories
-of jokes
-of "next one, next one"
-of late nights
-of early mornings
-of living for the next chance

Here's to new beginnings.

Wretched and assembled
these condescending hands
with condescending habits
and condescending plans

I stand without a clause
in this cause for a break
in this cause for a world
without forfits to take

The only unreliable thing
is relying on you
to rely back on me.

You would like to think you were invincible.

I need to learn to leave well enough alone.


p.s. we lost in four sets

D/C and VB

Picked up "Dashboard Confessional - MTV Unplugged v2.0" today.

It's pretty much amazing.

That's all I have to say..goodbye.

p.s. York Region Volleyball Finals tonight!

Don't forget to be awesome!

Don't bottle up.

So tonight I've been:
- judging myself
- judging my thoughts
- judging my motives
- judging my reasons
- judging my abilities
- judging my future
- judging my life

and here's the kicker:
- judging others

Tonight's ride home was fun. It just confirmed to me that I'm not the only idiot who make's bad choices.

Let's hear it for making bad choices!

Hooray!
Hooray!
Hooray!

F-word me.

I can't.

What do you do when you feel inadequate?

Floating.

(Thanks to Andy Philp)

And baby, now's the time
to make things perfect
and we'll make it perfect
'cause we'll be floating
floating up from here
and we won't sink underwater
'cause we'll be floating up together

Dear.

Okay. So I don't know where I'm going to go with this, but we'll see what happens.

For the longest time, I've wanted to be someone's "go to" guy, the one who everyone just wants to talk to and listen. I've wanted to have something specifically directed at me. I've wanted to be somebody's someone. I've wanted to be somebody I'm not. I've wanted to be somebody I am.

And sometimes, I've just wanted to be somebody.

Sometimes I just wish I could have somebody who I could tell everything too. I've wanted to throw everything out there, and not be judged for it. But there's something that holds me back, something that scares me like nothing else.

I'm scared of losing the people closest to me. I'm scared of losing the few people who I trust.

I think that's what scares me the most about the future. Something about leaving all my highschool friends and moving away, well, it just isn't okay with me. It's taken me nearly four years to establish relationships with people that I don't want to leave it all behind, just to have to start over again. I don't like to think that my life is just one big cycle and every four or so years, it goes "let's do it all over again!" Yeah, I'm not ready for life yet.

I didn't want this to be another post how I'm not ready for my future, so I'm done with that.

Do dreams give some sort of hint towards the future?
Do you remember your dreams?
Do you dream?

I'd like to think that my dreams tell me things. Maybe something about someone, or about my future, or destiny.

Damn. There I go with the future thing again.

Do you believe in destiny?

I know I do. I think there's just too many things that have happened so far in my life for me not to believe in it. Sometimes I've wondered if I've made the right decisions in waiting for destiny to happen. I mean, I've had opportunities that I've either missed or let go, because I felt that something good was bound to happen soon. I sure hope that it pays off.

"You always want what you can't have" So what happens when you do finally get what you can't have? Or does it not work that way?

I hope it works that way. And I hope it works.

The old box full of polaroids sits on my shelf
With the pictures of the first time we took the city by ourselves
And the whole ride home
We played "Konstantine"
And I walked you to your doorstep
And you kissed me in the rain, my lucky day
I still spell konfusion with a "k"

Success Story - Holiday Parade


It's true, I still do spell konfusion with a "k"


You seem so afraid, afraid you'll regret
Regret getting closer and connected to me
And I feel like that too but I'm scared
Scared you'll leave while you feel you can

So I'll just wait and see
So I'll just wait and see and see

Let our eyes say words we'll leave unspoken
When we're trying to be careful
And words can be so confusing
When we're trying to be careful
But not too careful...

Fear, it has its place folded in squares
Squarely tucked in the back pocket of our minds
And yes, it's reckless to act but pointless to decide
Just let your world collide with mine

Let's not wait and see

Let our eyes say words we'll leave unspoken
When we're trying to be careful
And words can be so confusing
When we're trying to be careful
But not too careful...

What's the average number of times people feel this way in a lifetime?
Let's not waste more time

Let our eyes say words we'll leave unspoken
When we're trying to be careful
And words can be so confusing
When we're trying to be careful
But not too careful...

Our Eyes - Teddy Geiger

Is destiny knocking at my door.

So I decided to come back here tonight. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I feel the need to say something. Maybe I'm doing it for all of you.

No, I think I'm doing this for me.

I'm scared of moving on with my life. It's as simple as that. I'm scared of moving on in all aspects of my life.

I don't know what my problem is. I get so defensive when people try to help me, especially when I don't want it. Maybe I like to do things on my own, or maybe I'm just to stubborn to accept help from anyone.

So what am I supposed to say?
Why am I having so much trouble writing stuff down?
Am I trying too hard at something that's not meant for me?
Am I cut out for all of this?

It's just that there's so many people who do it better than I do.

God I need some inspiration from somewhere.

When it's quiet, does she hear me?
In a room where no one listens
Don't leave me here, darling
'Cause I feel I might need to be near you

Slow down (come with me).

Slow down, take a deep breath
we're alone, the sun is setting
summer's not over yet
we've still got some time left

So come with me tonight
we'll watch the stars fade, away
we'll go with our lives
but not yet
no, not yet

Slow down, take a look around
fireflies and fireworks
surround us now
and we don't have a care in the world
no, we don't have a care

So come with me tonight
we'll watch the stars fade, away
we'll go with our lives
but not yet
no, not yet

Slow down, you're moving too fast
the moon's fading now
down we'll go together
so let's go down
so let's go down to the water
and we've got one more chance to make this right
so let's make it right
so let's make it right

So come with me tonight
we'll watch the stars fade, away
we'll go with our lives
but not yet
no, not yet

And sometimes we just wanna stay
but I don't know, any other way
to say
goodbye, goodnight, goodbye

So come with me tonight
we'll watch the stars fade, away
we'll go with our lives
but not yet
no, not yet

Looking for the answer(s).

So I've finally come back here with something real.

Sort of.

Something you said to me made me realize that I was being stupid. So thank you for that. I guess I can't be like that anymore. I don't think it's who I am, or who I want to be.

I think right now I have too many questions that need answering. So for now I leave you with what I think is the song that honestly describes my life (and summer) now.

Thunder - Boys Like Girls

Today is a winding road
That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, whoa
Today in the blink of an eye
I'm holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what I'm feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know, whoa
Today I'm on my own
I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone, I don't know

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think I'll make it out but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road
That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder

p.s. Sorry I couldn't give you anything more.

Question number three.

Can a relationship be held together by a common flaw?

Question number two.

What song best describes your life right now?


My answer:

Honestly - Cartel

Question number one.

Do you have a safe place?

A place where you go that you feel nothing could go wrong, and that everything that is/has happened will be alright?

The secret's in the telling.

Everyone has secrets that they keep from others. Even those closest to them.

Only two people know my secret, and they both know who they are.



Goodnight.

I could bold this whole song.

There are certain people
You just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you.
You begin to wonder
Could you find a better one
Compared to her now
She's in question.

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and
The right thing are the same.

Maybe you want her
Maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare
To someone not there.

Looking for the right one
You line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind.
But she won't keep on waiting for
You without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out.

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and
The right thing are the same.

Maybe you want her
Maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare
To someone not there.

Maybe you want it
Maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come.

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and
The right thing are the same.

Maybe you want her
Maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare
To someone not there.

Maybe you want it
Maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come.

Maybe you want her
Maybe you need her
Maybe you had her
Maybe you lost her to another
To another.

All At Once - The Fray

Don't want to lose it all (part 2).

i was going to wait a few posts before actually finishing this. but i think that now would be the best time for me. i don't think i've had it in a long time where i've spent so much time writing a blog post, and reflecting on things. it's just something that can't be ignored.



Oh, it's that time
It's that time again
Oh, it's all coming back around
There she sees me
Oh my god, this is who I've been
And I'm branded each day.

Go on and lose it
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it
(Go, go, go)
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it
Go on and lose it all

Immediately we find out then
That I can be blamed for this
But then it just figured out today
And you're so sweet, you say
Go now and get your own life, and live it your way
And I hear you say

Go on and lose it
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it
(Go, go, go)
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it
Go on and lose it all

Hey, hey, hey,
Woaahhh,
Hey, hey, hey

Well, and if we find another, then we will get ours
And if we find another, then we will get ours

She's pickin' up her clothes, she's off and she's running
She says to me
Go on and lose it
I think she means well, but man I can't tell you
She says to me
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it all
Go on and lose it all


Lose It - Cartel




sometimes the same is different, but mostly it's the same
these mysteries of life, that just ain't my thing

when planes land, heads spin
gets me thinking
'cause no one's watching
and i just fell in

and then i had a mind blank
and then my mind went

sometimes i just wish that i could be in someone else's shoes. but then when i get thinking about it, i just realize that all i ever wanted was right there in front of me all along.

i think something i've realized recently, is that you never know how good or bad things may be, until you actually talk about it. i look around at all the relationships and i wonder to myself why can't i have that? why am i the one, who at the end of the day, is left walking home alone? i can't help but believe in the fact that when the day ends, i feel this way.


and then things changed
my new least favorite time:
5:09 PM
and then things went bad


do you ever get in a situation that you can't get out of?
do you ever get the feeling that things are going to be okay, and that they'll work out for you one moment, and then the next, feel totally let down?

and that's what happened
and that's what fucking happened

i think i've finally realized what the problem has been all along. i think that it's my fault; that maybe i waited too long. maybe it was because i was scared, or maybe it was because i wasn't sure what you would say.

maybe there is no solution. but i think there is. but to say it here, well that would just be one of those "horrible" thoughts.

do you ever contradict yourself?
do you ever feel guilty?
well now i know you do


i guess i'll just have to deal with the fact that things won't go my way. i know you told me i'm a good friend, and that i said the same to you.

it's just funny that you disagreed with me.
now i see why.

i have a funny feeling that i might regret posting this. but i guess regret is just another thing that i'm gonna have to learn to live with. my the "list is bending up".

songs "on my mind":


Lose It - Cartel
Late Night Television - New Atlantic
Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls
Such Great Heights (The Postal Service Cover) - Iron & Wine
See the Sun - Black Lab
Wire and Stone - New Atlantic
No Other Way - Jack Johnson
Whatever Gets You Through the Night - Los Lonely Boys
God - Jack's Mannequin
Zero - Hawk Nelson
Caught By The River - The Doves
Overkill - Colin Hay
Have It All - Jeremy Kay
Ghost - Howie Day
All the Memories - The Classic Crime
My Bidness - Kyle Williams

have a listen. i think you'll find them to your liking.


guess what? i'm Driven By Sound. yeah that's not going to make sense to more than half of you. actually most of this isn't going to make sense to most of you. but hey, i guess this is for me. it's nice to do something for yourself once in a while.

i just want to say one thing:
the biggest problem i have is controlling my emotions, as you might have noticed. being this close to someone is nice; at least i have someone to talk to. but at the same time, i find it hard to talk to you. but then again, my emotions aren't going away. and i don't think that letting them go away is a solution.

also:
do what you have to do


p.s. title contradicts the song

Don't want to lose it all (part 1).

welcome!


so i figured i should actually come back here for real. i was considering posting more lyrics of other peoples songs and quotes that somehow get to me, but i figured what the hell, let's have some fun.


monday, november 15, 2005

dear god, why does my past continue to haunt me?! i've tried running but that doesn't work. i've tried ignorance but that doesn't work. i've tried everything short of doing something completely stupid, but nothing works. music does make me think, and most of the time that's not good. but you know what also makes me think..pictures.

it's true, pictures are worth a thousand words. too bad that's not enough.

would you go back in time and change things if you could?
would you do anything you could in order to get things back to the way they were?
would you give up what you have for me?

or would you give it up because you think it'll make things better?


maybe that's just what i want.

A walk through the hall of memories.

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard,
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart,
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things,
Like a shoebox of photographs,
With sepiatone loving,
Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart,
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy,
And sometimes life can be deceiving,
I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together
...
I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing,
We're better together

Better Together - Jack Johnson










I just don't want to look back and wonder what could've been.

And through the sleeplessness.

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away

Sideways - Citizen Cope







Sometimes I wonder why.

Cold Shower's in Hot Weather

hi everyone!


man, everything's so backwards. i actually thought i grew out of everything here, but i really don't think i want to. but i think i did, which isn't cool. how come time is never on my side? how come the amount of time i use to figure things out in my head, is the time that i can never get back?

damn past, damn you past!

i think i'm loving the warm weather. it means i can wear sandals again. like i did almost 2 months ago, when we walked along the beach holding hands, with the sunset behind us, and you told me things i didn't want to hear. but part of that's a lie, and i know it.

i want to be a superhero. either that or i need a hero, either would be nice.

if i were to write an album right now, the tracklisting would be:

1. It Should Have Been Me
2. My Fault
3. Imaginary Heroes
4. Confusion is a Cold Shower

look! i just made an EP..i guess that increases my coolness level a whole bunch!

if i could describe how i'm feeling with one song it would be:

Human - Jon McLaughlin

listen to it!

oh, and John "J.D." Dorian, i know how you feel.

and a quote

"Everyone needs a hug now and then" - Aaron Lott

i think i skipped a page of life

tell me a story where i was the king
play out the picture like it was a scene
from a movie you've wanted to watch for so long
but words are exed out, they must of been wrong

i've grimaced so senseless as i try to find
a story that makes me feel so sublime
please help me discover what it takes to love
or at least love me back, this love life is rough

here i go, i'm falling back into the cycle
where i feel lonely and spiteful
and i am destined to be
a singularity
here i am
watching as my other side
in darkness without any light
all the sadness, loneliness, and rage
but just ignore it, skip a page

wasted so much time drinking down the things
that weighed on my mind gave alcoholic dreams
but it all came back up and made me sick
i couldn't hold it down, the liquor was too thick

so jealous and zealous that i have become
racing to disaster what the hell have i done?
thinking of days that were long ago
just wanted to have something i could show

here i go
i'm falling back into the cycle
where i feel lonely and spiteful
and i am destined to be
a singularity
here i am
watching as my other side
left in darkness without any light
all the sadness, loneliness, and rage
but just ignore it, skip a page

tell me a story where i was the king
play out the picture like it was a scene
the story you told me i wish you would
not have told the one with me as damaged goods

drugged on love

where has everyone gone?

what has happened to this world we have here?

lyrics stuck in my head:
one, you are beautiful
two, you are wonderful, but
three, you've got praxter's in every pocket

p.s. can anyone tell me what a praxter is? your opinion is much appreciated (i just want to see what you all think a praxter is)

lay down your emotion

i lay here on this bed of nails
and you cried out for help
they're piercing through my skin
with blood stains on your lips
you whispered to God to save you
but it was more than just a whisper
so i screamed into the darkness
hoping that someone would hear me
but they responded with silence
and with the thoughts of suicide
running through my head
i came to the true realization
that i was already dead
and i cried to this realization
i cried to God for reason
and your blood stains on my lips
with hope of escaping this emotion
i laid down on this bed of nails
hoping to escape this emotion


this is my last dance for now

goodbye and goodnight

sincerly,
lost out of love

a tree without roots

What I want from you is empty your head
What I want from us is learn to let go
you
you
you
bleed
bleed
bleed
hate
hate
hate
me
me
me
Hell when you're around
out
out
out
What I want from this
you
you
you
leave
leave
leave
hate
hate
hate
hate me
let
let
let
It's hell when you're around
you
you
you
leave
leave
leave
It's nothing anyway
hate
hate
hate
me
me
me
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out

It's nothing anyway